had an assignmnet to do a self reflective journal for ltb. the prof repeatedly emphasised that the purpose of this assignment is to push youself to delve deep into your thoughts and really know yourself. i spent a day on it and thought i did a pretty good job.

the assignment was returned to us today and i realised, i havent gone in deep enough. i havent gotten down to my core and it is a little disturbing. i realised that even though i know and am glad that i am a human being with flaws (loads of them), i am still afraid to find out the REAL me. even when i pen negative comments on myself, i hold the current of criticisms. but the comments scribbled on the sides of my assignment really showed raw and powerful ideas of who i may really be; and it is a little frightening. is this really me? is she right? oh no.

but perhaps she is not right, perhaps there is more to me. as for the answer to that, it can only come from me. :x

I had first read of Lincoln in Adam Khoo’s best-seller, ‘I am Gifted, so are you’. In the book, he touched on the issue of perserverance. He cited Lincoln as a source of strength to draw upon when failure defeats him momentarily, for Lincoln has faced so many failures in his life yet each time he could easily pick himself up, KEEP CALM AND CARRY ON.

I thought nothing of this man then. Sure, his accomplishments were impressive but so were the achievements of hundred others, scattered throughout history.

Fast forward two years later, my friend and I were racking our brains of something to present for show and tell in Chinese class. We decided to play it safe and ordinary.. we talked about ‘My Idol’. In truth, we had no idol then. We were young and definitely disinterested in literal or historical works, we know little of the great figures of history. But I remembered that man who was never afraid of failures, the man with colossal determination. The day of the show and tell was expectedly ordinary, what we talked about was ordinary, but who we were talking of was extraordinary and in some subtle way.. i changed a little and for the better i think.

Why Lincoln then? I have always brought up the standard, “Because of the Emanicipation Proclamation, because of his resilience and undeterring determination.” Superfically grandiose reply as my knowledge of Lincoln, his life and the man that he was, never extended beyond browsing a few websites and Wikipedia pages dedicated to him..

Today is 01/01/12. My first accomplishment of 2012 has come and passed, I have completed the reading of ‘Team of Rivals’- Doris Kearns Goodwin. It took me close to four months to finish it, perhaps too many events, too many names, which compelled me to shut the book and forget it until days later. Perhaps subconsciously, I have wanted to savour the contents of this book, to prolong my Lincoln experience. Upon approaching the last few chapters of this book, reluctance mounts in me. I am unwilling to have the story of Lincoln’s death being relived before my eyes of imagination. Which is somewhat ridiculous, for I have long known beforehand that Lincoln died by assasination. Still, reading the words that shall describe 07.22 am, April 15th 1865.. I cried. Like a young toddler whose beloved pet had passed away. I mourned.

What I feel for Lincoln used to be somewhat like a foolish schoolgirl infatuation, decidedly fleeting. That if another of greater prominence comes along, my affection shall be swayed. After this book, I can feel his mark on the world, I draw upon his strength, I believe in his faith, and I shall henceforth strive to emulate his resilience and determination, his humility and confidence, his tender and magnimous treatmeentd of things, of people, of life. Transcending time, this will be a lifelong journey of admiration and reverence.

Cutting a snippet out of my memory album, I shall use the words I have uttered last on that day of show and tell,

亞伯拉罕·林肯， 我永远支持你！！！<3<3<3

“All you need is 20 seconds of insane courage.”

i have ever been stabbed in the back before and oh wells, always a first for everything. i dont mind that i am the target for blame but i am v disappointed in your actions. but lesson learnt? there is genuine difference between being nice and naive, i have got to start sifting between the two and sometimes confrontation is required (though i hate it.. sometimes it is just necessary). and if someone is not being a good leader, i need to take over.

 ’But when a long train of abuses and usurpations, pursuing invariably the same Object evinces a design to reduce them under absolute Despotism, it is their right, it is their duty, to throw off such Government, and to provide new Guards for their future security.’

lesson learnt, it is worth being put in the bad light. i will be stronger!